Jay Mody

“This is probably one of the best e-mails that I have come across in recent times. It makes me laugh….bigtime

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, “”Hello.”” I politely said, “”This is Andrew. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?”” Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “”You’re an asshole!”” and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “”You’re an asshole!”” It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “”Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company.

I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with the Caller ID program?”” He yelled, “”NO!”” and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, “”That’s because you’re an asshole!””

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.

The idiot ignored me. I noticed a “”For Sale”” sign in his car window

…so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, “”Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”” “”Yes, it is.””

“”Can you tell me where I can see it?””

“”Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house, and the car’s parked right out in front.””

“”What’s your name?”” I asked.

“”My name is Don Hansen,”” he said.

“”When’s a good time to catch you, Don?””

“”I’m home every evening after five.””

“”Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”” “”Yes?””

“”Don, you’re an asshole.”” Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

“”Hello.””

“”You’re an asshole!”” (But I didn’t hang up.)

“”Are you still there?”” he asked.

“”Yeah,”” I said.

“”Stop calling me,”” he screamed.

“”Make me!,”” I said.

“”Who are you?”” he asked.

“”My name is Don Hansen.””

“”Yeah? Where do you live?””

“”Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front.”” He said, “”I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.””

I said, “”Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole.””

Then I called Asshole #2.

“”Hello?”” he said.

“”Hello, asshole,”” I said.

He yelled, “”If I ever find out who you are?””

“”You’ll what?”” I said.

“”I’ll kick your ass,”” he exclaimed.

I answered, “”Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.””

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew. NOW, I feel better…….

”

The monotony of a megapolis leads to interesting relationships.

I have been travelling all over Bombay since about 6 years now…almost everyday. And any discerning commuter would either know this or be involved in relationships as such.

Every morning, as I leave for college, I see this lady, a typical saree clad Maharashtrian cross me and go in the opposite direction. We used to give each other knowing stares as we crossed each other paths every morning. Now as time went on, both of us start our day with a good-morning-smile. Its not that it is a relationship, but a good way to start a day, knowing that a stranger smiled at you.

As you go in a particular train everyday, the other regulars try to make a group. In every train compartment that you go every morning, you’ll find atleast one group of people, who share just one thing in common. They all go in the same train everyday. And they mingle with each other, as time passes, as if they are childhood friends. And strangely, these are the people who be at your side in times of crises. Sad but true. When you are in a crises, family becomes friends and friends become family.

Its strange how complete strangers are brought together just by the monotony and mundaneness of life in a megapolis.

The common bonds that people share sound so very thin but the strength that they possess inherently is, at times, more than a blood relationship.

NP:
Scarborough Fair – Queensryche (original by Simon and Garfunkel)
To Bid you Farewell – Opeth

There are men who lie by your bedside when you are sick……
….and then, there are men who actually steer you out of trouble.

Last week, I had gone to Goa and we met with an accident. A Ghastly one. I shall defer the details, until my friend gets better. But the point here is that an incident like this throws light on the few good men that exist in this world.

We were helped in Goa by some men who were absolutely god-sent. Finding such men would be tougher than finding a needle in a haystack.

There was Nelson who drove us to the hospital without as much as giving a second thought about himself, since this was a police case. He in fact went to the extent of dealing with the police himself.

There was the RTO Commissioner of Goa who was sitting with us the whole night. There was the Manager from the biggest travel agency of Goa, calming us down with his angelic smile and calm demeanour.

These, and many more, were the people who helped us see through an extremely crucial night. As they say, in times of strife, there are always a few god men. May god bless their souls.

”     Ahh finally I get the much needed breather from Mumbai Bombay. Tomorrow I’m leaving with my buddies for Amboli. Its the last hill station in the Sahyadri Range, before it recedes into the beaches we know more popularly as Goa.
     So then, I’ll be back on Monday. Hopefully with a good account what all happened at the trip . Till then, wish me Godspeed!!!

     I reccomend everyone to check out The Dullest Blog. This blog is absolutely unique. I’m sure it’ll bring a smile on your face. It talks about things as trivial as picking up your mug of coffee and drinking it. It talks about things that are right in our face but yet we never notice them. It has a different kind of humor about our everyday life. Visit it.”

Yesterday I had an exam. And it was quite a co-incidence that my centre turned out to be my alma mater.

It was K. C. College, Churchgate. The college in which I spent the two best years of my life. As I entered the college campus, I was greeted by an absolutely brilliant looking campus and a completely refurbished building. I was overjoyed to see that my college had progressed since those days. The infra-structure had become impeccable. The look was dapper with granite walls and floors surrounding us. It was time for the exam so I rushed for it. The exam went fine and then I decided to go up and check my old classes & labs to see how they look now.

Climbing the steps of my old college somehow did not evoke the same emotions and comeliness as it did before. I waited to see my class. I was sure that my class that was for two years would definitely welcome me with flashing memories of the fun we had together. As I took a peek inside and waited for the memories to come back, it didnt happen. The class was not the same. It just felt as if someone had whitewashed all our memories. And it no longer existed. I missed the broken fans and half dim tubelights.

But I still had hope. I climbed a floor up and thought that the labs would be the same. But no. Everything had changed. I moved around and came near the chemistry lab. Ahh!! Now there was something familiar. The disinct odor of the chemistry lab. How can I forget those days. Burning lab coats in fumes of sulphuric acid and dissolving those unwanted things in Nitric acid. Those were the days.

I realised one thing. Try as you may one can never pull apart memories from physical surroundings. The are both closely interwoven.

….And memories are like fingerprints. They can never be erased, but they slowly fade away.

The bright side: Its all around us. Its in the newspapers. Its in the air that you breathe. Its in the slip-ons that you wear. Its on that seat you are sitting on. Its on your monitor right now. Soon it’ll be in your head.

India’s feeling good. Never has the mood been so upbeat. Ladies and Gentleman, we are all witnessing the biggest revolution in the past 5 decades of India. We are the children of revolution. The economy is looking up, heck, its staring right into the sky!!! The standard of living is coming of age. The world is being intimidated by India’s progress. Cynics aren’t gung-ho about this and dismiss it saying that its all in your head. But they dont realise, what was in the head was a snarling gargantuan monster and someone has just breathed life into it.

People from Bombay would realise the spate of infra-structural developments. Everyone is scurrying for their chequebooks and money is flowing. Credit cards which were supposed to be the future have become the very current. The bulls at the stock-market are running a stampede from nearly 6 months and they aren’t tired yet. There are malls and multiplexes springing out of nowhere, even in the most subdued parts like Borivli (Bombay) and the distant suburbs. People have begun to spend like they never did before. Cars and automotives have become a part of the standard paraphernalia. Covering the whole length of the city by road, now does not take more than an hour, all thanks to the slurry of fly-overs on the perpetually over-used highway.

The Future’s Bright, The Future’s India (Ohh that share-value just shot up….i’m running…!!)

The Dark Side: The fairer sex is getting drenched in pails of hypocrisy. There are women lobbying the courts and alleys crying foul over womens liberalisation and right to equality. I say take equality, why take preference. When you get into colleges, parliament and every institution under the sun, using your right to being a female (yeah, rite ) wheres the equality?? I think most do not realise what equality means. Here’s the dictionary definition of equality:

Noun: equality
1. The quality of being the same in quantity or measure or value or status
2. A state of being essentially equal or equivalent; equally balanced

“Assigning faces to online identities is something that most of us have never done before. But yet the feeling of amity and comradeship was unmistakable. The whole atmosphere was like that of a winter evening coffee carnival. I probably will be one of the many people who will be writing a review of the meet, so let me keep it terse, lest the brickbats find their way around me.

As a matter of fact I had never ever met any of the bloggers. And it was real good fun getting to know what they do. And there were many shockers in there too, like Toinks works for Rediff (hey toinks, aint that “”toinkdom one”” ). Jottingz and Ms. Madmax (thanks for the present) were extremely sweet with their characteristic cuddles. Arun of blockhead fame is also a real nice guy (cheers man )

We rockers had a ball, with Rohan and Prats jammin’ up. And it was awesome fun meeting the Buhaha gang (Scarab, Andy, Vighy and Russel). As the evening went, songs flowed but lyrics didnt, much to the ire of Mr. Rohan .

It was fun to talking to Ashi and her daughters Shibani and especially Sakshi. I may have forgotten a few names here, but overall everyone was in high spirits, and it was nice talking to all of them.

Finally at about 10:15 people started leaving and Sapna and Jaideep suggested that we join them at On Toes, Juhu. So we all agreed with Arun sponsoring the first round of drinks. Well, lets not get into what actually happened at the pub. All I can say is that I reached home at 2:00 am. I think that says it all.

Heres something for people who like to involve themselves with mindless fun. There is this small application called WhatPulse which quietly sits in your system tray and counts the number of keystrokes and mouseclicks that you do. It keeps the count online and then they have country-wise and team-wise listings in which you get our own rankings. Currently India is ranked 26th in the world, so lets get the counter ticking and start using it!!! Go to their website by clicking below and download their client and start pulsing!!

Khelo India Khelo!!

”

Its that time of the season again when people loosen up their arms and tighten the grips. For this ain’t just a sport or a festival. This is more than that. Its a way of life…..

Kites. Thousands of them hit the sky every year epitomizing the very free spirit. It is one festival that has got the longest prologue and an epilogue.

14th January is the day when it all culminates into a beautiful winter sky complete with all the colors from an artist’s palette. The only things that limits this fest is your imagination. The actual fest is just a one day event, but the kite-fliers loyally start celebrating it right from one month before that and continue for atleast a month later.

Bull-horns, blaring music systems and a faithful pair of sun-glasses form the crux of the accoutre. One look at the sky and it tells you that it has become nothing short of a war ensemble, albeit a friendly one. There are duels. One on one. One on many. But at the end of the day its all square, irrespective of who won or who lost. Fortunate are the people who stay in Bombay for we witness one of the best kite-flying festival this country sees.

So this Makar Sankranti, go ahead and hit the sky, let the mind free and soul high in the seven skies. Lappppett…!!!

So I’m back two days early. Hell, yeah!!! There was nothing that could hold me back from this world any more. I’m back to write my last blog of 2003. In the past one month lots of things have changed. People stopped blogging and then restarted it. Some have conclusively left this world, erasing all their traces in a way that even the CIA would have trouble finding them! But I have no such intention. Until I can, I am always gonna keep blogging.

So the exams are finally over. It was a long and agonizing one month when I could not blog. Nor could I update my site any further. But I’m back .

So the Mumbai Bloggers Meet is coming up in two days. It has been instrumental in throwing up so many blogs from the fellow city bloggers who I didnt know existed…. So on 2nd January, 2004 we are gonna have the first meet, hopefully the start of something new….

So welcome me back people…….and chew me !!!